The Stupid Advice We Give To Single Women Over 40

Last week, I was sitting in a hotel lobby waiting to meet with a friend. As I waited, I noticed a woman having coffee with her mother. During this meeting, the woman was excitedly presenting her mother with an e-reader. After the present was unwrapped, the woman proceeded to thoughtfully explain to her mother about how to use her e-reader, dealing with the wireless connection, etc.

Instead of reacting with excitement or gratitude, her mother started lecturing her. The expression on the woman’s face as she was berated revealed incredible frustration. She looked exhausted and distressed.

When her mother went off to the bathroom, I said to her, “That was nice of you to get that gift for your mom.”

She replied in a tone tinged with dejection and irony, “Thank you…can you please take her for the rest of the day?”

Since I wasn’t able to clearly hear their conversation, I offered a simple explanation of sympathy for her frustration, “I know, it’s hard.”

“It’s hard being 40 and not married,” she responded with a mix of sadness and anger.

You may think of someone in your life who fits the description of the woman in the title of this column or of the woman I met last week, in that hotel lobby.

What comes to your mind when you think of such a woman?

Be honest.

If you’re like so many people, your initial reaction might be to think of this woman as lonely, sad, maybe even pathetic–an old maid.

Whatever you may think about this woman, it’s rarely something positive and liberating, but it’s not exactly negative either–it’s just sort of lonely.

This woman I speak of and that you are imagining in your mind is most likely very hardworking, probably has a great job, good friends. She’s generally satisfied and settled in many areas of her life, but she doesn’t actively date, she’s never been married, or if she was previously married, it was for a short time and many years ago.

She may be perfectly content with her life, happy to be free of the structures of marriage and a long-term relationship, or she may be happy with the other parts of her life, but longs for companionship.

We don’t need to victimize these women, not at all. And in this column, I’m not trying to destroy the happiness of those who are single and 40 and perfectly content.

So, even though I am writing in a different time and culture, where we are all getting married later and later and where we are inching towards some version of gender “balance”–the number of single women who buy homes has almost tripled since the late 90’s–our antiquated thinking about women and marriage still carries over from decades of imbalanced conditioning.

But that’s the burden of social conditioning. Times may change, but old conditioning dies hard.

I know many women over 40 who are unmarried, some of them are happy and satisfied, others would like to be in a long-term relationship, still others are desperate and unhealthy in their approach to relationships. The point is, women who are 40 and over come in many stripes and types.

Hmmm…does that sound familiar?

Oh yeah, it’s just like women in their 20’s and 30s and just like MEN in their 20s and 30s.

But somehow, we’re only giving single women over 40 one identity: they’re well past their sell-by-date, they’re lonely, sad. Things are getting rough sister, you’re gonna be living with and taking care of your parents in their old age if you don’t find a man soon.

While many single, 40-year old women may be perfectly content with the lives they live, when they step out in the world, there seems to be a constant reminder that they are “failing” because they are not in permanent relationships. Often times, it’s this external pressure, not any internal anxiety, that instigates their feelings of frustration and anxiety about marriage.

Imagine having to constantly to reassure people, “I’m happy, trust me. I swear. I really am.”

Let’s leave the women who are incredibly happy and don’t see or need a relationship, and consider the women who have a desire to get married and are seeking a partner.

There are certain things we may assume about this woman.

We assume they are picky, stubborn, set in their ways, and frigid. There must be no other reason that they’re single, right?

And how do we support these women when they express their frustration to us about loneliness or their struggle to find good men to be with?

We give these women the same, stock, stupid, overly-prescriptive advice:

“You’re not getting out enough.”

“You need to broaden your horizons, you’re too picky.”

“You’re not giving online dating a chance. So and so met their boyfriend/husband online.”

But we never make a real attempt to understand what they’re facing, which is the only way we can truly support them.

And then there are the broken promises, when we first meet a woman who is 40 and single, we often go into a tizzy, “I gotta set you up!”

We usually don’t.

And let’s just be frank, when we do set them up, we don’t reserve our best men for these women, because they’re over 40 and single. They should take anything and anyone, right? They should be grateful!

And then when they don’t like the person we introduce them to, we give them a hard time, “But he’s so nice, give him a chance.”

We would rarely make such a statement to a younger, female friend, but when it comes to addressing a woman who is single and over 40, we simply refuse her the room to choose what feels right for her. Her judgment must somehow be clouded, and that’s why she’s single.

Sure, some of these women may be stubborn, set in their ways, but men that age are set in their ways too. That’s what happens when we get older, we often become more rigid as a consequence of realizing what works and what doesn’t work for us.

It may be cliche to bring up this idea that an older man is a catch and an older woman is an old maid–but this standpoint remains an accepted stance from our cultural perspective.

Things have definitely improved in terms of how women and men are constructed in terms of their gender identities, but I’m not talking about a cultural examination as much as I’m talking about the personal message that we give to our single, 40-year friends, and how that needs to change.

This column isn’t about removing personal responsibility, or placating our women friends by hiding our honest advice. Instead, I want to consider how we can deepen the way in which we support our friends, or in some cases, how we can stay out of their way. Our job as friends, isn’t to tell someone to stop “being picky” or to “get out more.”

That’s just lazy advice.

The way in which we can deepen our support to these smart, thoughtful, successful women is to ask, “You’re over 40 and single and you say that you don’t want to be married. How can I support you? How can I be a better friend?”

Does the thought of having to ask these questions make you uncomfortable? Well, that’s your ego talking. If you don’t make an authentic effort to understand and appreciate someone’s personal experience, your own pride or point-of-view is what really leads the advice you offer, rather than the best interests of the person you care about.

The deepening of support I speak of is about not applying a template to every single, 40-year old women.

It’s called empathy. We all need empathy, without it, we feel alone. Without it, we get defensive when dealing with our problems.

We often pity women who are single and 40-years old. Pity veers on the border of patronizing women. It means making statements like: “I feel so bad for her, she doesn’t have anyone, she’s lonely.”

Empathy is about understanding the why, how, and where. It’s about appreciating someone’s experience and honoring it, while trying to support them.

Empathy is about making someone who is made to feel abnormal by our culture and their family and friends, to feel perfectly normal.

We have to ask ourselves: What is it like to be her? How would I think if I were in the same position?

Telling the 40-plus, single woman what she’s doing wrong and expecting her to be with someone she doesn’t want to be with; or telling her that the solution to her problem is going to a bar or a spinning class to meet her potential partner; or telling her that no man wants a woman so set in her ways, doesn’t do a damn thing to make that woman happier.

Our responsibility as their friends, colleagues, or relatives is to reinforce the path these women have and are choosing for themselves…that’s it.

Anything else is frankly about our own ego.

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28 Responses to “The Stupid Advice We Give To Single Women Over 40”

  1. Avatar of truthbunny
    truthbunny January 12, 2013 at 12:37 pm #

    As many have said in the previous responses to this post, THANK YOU! I couldn’t have said it better myself! I just turned 40 and even though I am the same attractive, intelligent, stable woman I was a couple of years ago… my “well meaning” friends and family have taken it upon themselves to offer unsolicited advice in the attempt to rid me of the tragic social curse they believe I might fall subject to as an over 40 single woman. Half the time I can’t tell if I should laugh at their weak, half-hearted advice or be offended at the level of desperation to ‘save me’ from eternal singledom. According to some of them, my prudent, high standards at 30 have suddenly become far too choosy and nit-picky at the ripe old age of 40. Some have ‘given’ up on me and practically offered to buy me a half dozen cats so I can clearly define my crazy cat lady role in life. I truly don’t think that they actually… think when they begin the endless condescending lectures that are essentially the equivalent to a pat on the head. I suppose as I write this, I realize how aggravated I’ve become … I’m not an angry person, just tired. Yes, I am aware that my window of opportunity to have a child is practically sealed shut at this point. Yes, I am also aware that men my age tend to seek out women 10 years my junior. Yes, I realize that most women start to lie about their age around this time in life so remain in the age bracket that seems more socially appealing. I choose to stay true to myself. I’ve had many great relationships (I was even married for 7 years) and a few disasters, but collectively they make me who I am and helped me understand what I want (and don’t want). I’m pretty damn special and I don’t believe it’s a sacrifice to stay single until I’ve met someone as amazing and as equally flawed as I am to share my best years. I don’t believe it’s impossible, so why should you? Just trust me on this one.

    • Avatar of charlieblack
      charlieblack January 26, 2013 at 11:55 pm #

      Brilliant, Truthbuny u certainly called it how it is. As a single woman turning 40 this week I understood and related to every word.

  2. Avatar of dancinan
    dancinan December 10, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    I stumbled onto this thread and had to weigh in with just one word.


  3. Avatar of classroommanagement
    classroommanagement October 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm #

    This article is so right on, I fully relate to it, having just turned 40, and never having married. I totally relate to the way you write about how a 40 year old woman can feel really good on her own, but when you get ‘out there’ all kinds of pressure, judgements and snide comments come on. I am so much happier with myself now than I ever was in my 20s, even if I do have grey hairs starting to come through and a heavier figure.
    After reading some of the other comments, I think in some ways we are really lucky not to be married. I also feel inspired to become a very incredible, awesome, admired and happy woman in her 40′s, if I can…

    I wonder if it’s kind of biological that we become easier with ourselves as we get older, so that we have more energy for looking after kids. Not having children is something that does depress me. My one-and-only real relationship didn’t work out (I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together), and I’ve never had another serious relationship. It was crucifying being cheated on, and at times tears me up completely that the reason I might not have kids is because I couldn’t pull myself together to move on, in my twenties, from someone who cheated on me, and who I cried over every day for years. What a waste! I was so fricking angry and confused and involved, ha ha, its still a muddle of emotion after all this time, and here I am, 40 and single, sometimes struggling, but more often I’m feeling good about my life, where I am, my better relationships, and how far I have managed to come in the last ten years.

  4. Avatar of bluecandles
    bluecandles August 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    This all happens to women under 30, too. And everyone is so damn patronising about it.

    ‘Try internet dating/ going out more/ taking up a new hobby/ kayaking/ etc.’ My god, why didn’t I think of that? My single problem is now solved. Except, obviously, I did. I haven’t just been sitting in my home, wondering why eligible bachelors weren’t knocking away at the door. It’s often by people who met their significant other in Uni, barely out of their teens, and have never had to try dating out of that social cocoon.

    Then they say that they’re jealous of my ‘single social life’ as I’m out a lot meeting new people. Yeah, I’m out, endlessly making small talk with people I’ll never see again, hoping to find someone.

    And, yes, the total “I gotta set you up”… and then, they don’t. I’ve called a few matchmaker’s bluffs on this & the reaction is priceless.

    I recently received a horrified reaction on remarking I was planning to travel abroad alone – “what, no one, not even a friend?” Because I need a chaperone in my 30s, it seems.

    The worst part is not other people calling us single women ‘picky’, it’s the conditioning that means we do it to ourselves. My single friends & I will berate ourselves for being ‘too picky’ for having ‘too high standards’, and after unsuccessful dates, will tell ourselves we should have been more attracted, we should have looked past x/y/z, we’re too shallow & so will be forever alone. Even now, I can’t bring myself to not feel that my standards are way too high.

  5. Avatar of vinethevine
    vinethevine April 30, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    I believe most assmputions made about single women are made about single men too. Or at least in my mind (good or bad thing). Being married to my best friend I wouldn’t change it for the world but I know that it doesn’t matter if you’re married or not, everyone gets lonely. It’s sad not everyone has empathy for people, single or not. It’s so important not to judge or assume! I was 25 when I got married and felt like the luckiest person in the world, good men are hard to find at any age! Fo real. My friends who are young, smart, creative, beautiful, imperfect, balanced women who want to get married are wondering where all the good men are?

  6. Avatar of a. ponderer
    a. ponderer April 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    This article hits home for me. I’ve heard these lazy suggestions from ‘friends’ for years & years,… long before I hit 40. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve also heard… “Why AREN’T you married???” very shortly after meeting some people. And it’s said in a very accusatory way, as if somehow surreptitiously implying / underlying… “what’s wrong with you???” Sure, it’s then sugar-coated with,… but you’re so attractive, smart, independent, financially stable,.. yada-yada-yada. The question is always put to me with an undertone “as if”… it’s all my choice. When I mention that there are not loads of men out there “absolutely dying to get married or even have a long-term relationship (of shared partnership, based on shared truths)”… I too, get the response of “you’re too picky” or “you need to go to a bar or internet dating.” I’ve stopped replying in the way I used to, if someone now asks me why I am not married. I simply reply with…. 1. how many men over 40, or of any age, do you put that same question to???
    and 2. how many absolutely fantastic and wonderful men do you know, that you’d feel completely happy and content to marry your own daughter off to, that you would like to introduce me to, right now?
    Usually…. I get a blank stare as a result of question #1.
    And,… generally a similar result from question #2. — they DON’T know of any men that THEY think are good (read as ‘honest’) from a male perspective, (that they would personally want to vouch for and stand behind). THAT… says a lot.

  7. Avatar of InnerOuter
    InnerOuter April 24, 2012 at 11:34 am #

    Thank you so much for writing this… it applies to any woman who chooses to remain single, not just the 40+ ladies. I’ve been hearing some variation of the examples of advice you discuss every time I’ve been single since I was 19, and I am definitely tired of trying to find nice ways to let my friends and family know that I am fine.

    We’re talking about my entire LIFE, here. Why would anyone who truly cares about me push for me to waste it on poorly chosen companions?

  8. Avatar of Susan
    Susan April 24, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    And what about never married men who are over 50 or even over 60 who still talk of marriage and children with women who are half their age?

  9. Avatar of Kymberlee
    Kymberlee April 24, 2012 at 8:02 am #

    I am divorced, over 40 and love my life. I date when I want, do what I want and have deep intimacy with my friends and, when I choose, with my lovers.

    Some of the most unhappy, lonely people I know are married. Most stay in their marriages for security and spend the majority of their time tuning themselves and each other out by watching endless hours of tv. The number of almost sexless marriages stuns me. Both sex and money get used as weapons to gain power rather than as ways to build trust and intimacy. I find it very sad.

    Marriage and/or coupledom does not equal happiness and fulfillment, sovereignty does.

  10. Avatar of Stalker
    Stalker April 24, 2012 at 1:04 am #

    assumptions and typecasting happen for both men and women, and while often the advice of “stop being picky” is probably given from those who think that what makes them happy would work for us, and so it is done with the best intentions, ask yourself – how often do you look at others in bad relationships and you feel like you should offer advice. Maybe you do, maybe you dont. Point is we are all guilty of it in some form or another.
    The key to this whole thing is to listen. If someone says they are happy then anyone who says “but you cant be” is wasting their breath. However, maybe, just maybe some people say they are happy and yet they let out little hints they are not. Maybe the friends are acting on subtle signals.
    The one that drives me nuts is those friends who remind me that kids are the best things that happen to them and that I should get some as my live is unfulfilled without them ….all the while complaining they are exhausted, broke, frustrated, trapped, and if they were told how hard they would be they would not have done it themselves…..go figure.

  11. Avatar of Jen
    Jen April 23, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

    I’m only just in my 30s, and this already rings true for me. I hear all of that ridiculous advice so often, especially the top 2 – “you’re too picky” and “you need to get out there more”.

    • Avatar of Marge
      Marge June 20, 2012 at 12:41 pm #

      You can never be too picky. It’s your happiness in life we are talking about here. I’m also in my 30′s, would love to be with what I think is the “perfect” person, but it’s not my only goal in life. I can do whatever I want when I want and I won’t let anyone take that part of my life away from me. I am kind of interested in the Christian Mingle thing, but feel a little strange or desparate, but yet if they truly are believers then what can it hurt.

  12. Avatar of V.
    V. April 23, 2012 at 3:25 pm #

    Yashar, as usual you are on point. As a single woman over 40 I can attest to the toxic mix of pity/suspicion that we are regarded with by society at large, particularly by those in traditional relationships. Marriage has never held much appeal to me so I’ve never done it, but I have had periods of monogamy and even celibacy. This has caused all kinds of consternation and confusion among friends and family but I long ago ceased to care what others think and live life for myself.
    Those who have least judgement I find are men under 40 (say 28-38) who regard us as just people and not some freak of nature. Works for me ;)
    I am currently blogging about journey out of celibacy and into sexual independence at

  13. Avatar of keygirlus
    keygirlus April 23, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    I think a lot of that pressure comes from people who have made poor bargains for themselves. As a 39 yr old never married woman, I listen to these advice givers, look at their spouses, and promptly ignore everything they said. If ‘being too picky’ means being unwilling to sacrifice my independence and self-determination for someone who doesn’t add joy and interest to my life, then you are right, I’m too damn picky. I feel a lot of people ‘need’ a mate, for financial reasons or as some form of validation. I just happen not to be one of them. Would I enjoy a long term relationship with someone who loves me and who brings new experiences to my life? Sure, who wouldn’t? But I’m not willing to accept just anyone in order to be part of a ‘couple’. I would also love to see you write an article on the discrimination single people of both genders face. It is real, pervasive, belittling, and difficult to combat.

  14. Avatar of Siv-Ingvild
    Siv-Ingvild April 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    If you look at statistics, at l4east here in Norway, single women live longer and are more healthy than married women, for men it is oposite. When they are asked, much more single men say they are unhappy and lonely, while single women say that they are busy. Sure, it makes me upset sometimes, how much our culture put pressure on women to stay young looking, how much worse it should be for us to get older. But looking at my own neighburs, family, people that I know, I see the same as the statistics say: Women choose to live alone, for a while or for always. Men are totally lost and feel unhappy. If anything the problem is that men complain, and they do not respect womens decisions but keep trying to catch them.

  15. Avatar of mmmickey55
    mmmickey55 April 23, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

    As a 67 year old guy seriously looking for a long-term relationship with a woman who excites me and yet will fit well with me (and vice-versa), I can tell you that I feel fortunate in finding so many creative, smart, classy and — yes — beautiful women out there. I’m not looking at 40 year olds, either. I’m looking at 59-68.

    The ones that I find who are best (for me) have been married at least once. Generally, they have had at least one good relationship, which was lost in many cases through unhappy circumstances. But such women appreciate men, know how to live with them.

    I think men my age are — if they have any brains in their head — looking at the older and not the younger women. If you’re 67, you could hook up with someone 50, but then what? In 5 more your years, you are 72 and failing fast, and your spouse is 55 and may be wondering why she picked someone who would leave her old and only at some point.

    Better to choose one of those exceptional women closer to your age. Anyway, that’s what I’m doing.

  16. Avatar of karina
    karina April 23, 2012 at 11:45 am #

    I read all your columns and pass them on to my female friends. Your articles have helped me and the women in my life. They show us that our perceptions are not off and almost everything you discuss rings true in our lives.

    I am not in the 40 category but am turning 60 after finally leaving a 32 year old “gaslighting” marriage five years ago. Your article rings true for many women between 40 and 60.

    My true friends have been supportive and empathic. However, others have found it necessary to pass on their advice from “you just need a good f”… to “you have too high expectations” to which I reply “If I want your advice I will seek you out”. Although at times I experience loneliness, my life is a pretty good. Why would I “settle” for just anyone? After my dysfunctional marriage, why would I not set “the rail” pretty high? I am just not that needy.

    I am an educated individual. I am outgoing and do not look my age (good genetics). I attend Symphony, Opera, Theatre. Every couple of years, I drive the 1300km to the Rocky Mountains to hike and camp alone. I have some very close female and male “platonic” friends. Yet, I find others act in the way you described.

    Years ago, when I was still studying (I am a Therapist), I learned about how the general populace view people who may be developmentally or physically challenged ” I am so sorry for you and I am glad that I am not like you. ” The same applies to “single” women 40 and up.

    I and others in my age group experience this on a daily basis. Even some people in my Condo want “to set me up”. They can’t seem to accept that I am content on my own; without a partner. Married women sometimes see me as a threat because they themselves are in relationships where they feel insecure. At times, I have even been the subject of “untrue rumours” because of my ability to travel and have adventures on my own.

    So I once again thank you for writing about my experiences and feelings. You have helped me and others feel “understood”.

  17. Avatar of Nenamatahari
    Nenamatahari April 23, 2012 at 11:31 am #

    I am 39 and just found somebody nice. Before that I had an abusive boyfriend who nearly killed me. Literally. One “friend” chewed me out for breaking up with him because I’m “getting older” and am “too picky” even though there was severe abuse going on. I asked her “Oh, you want to come to my funeral then so you can wear your fancy black dress and show off?” I then told her I never wanted to speak to her ever again. I guess in her eyes and most people’s eyes it’s better to have someone who beats you, cusses you out and even threatens you with weapons than to be *gasp* single after 30 or 40.

    No thank you. I’d rather be single than abused and murdered.

  18. Avatar of Elizabeth Chapin
    Elizabeth Chapin April 23, 2012 at 11:25 am #

    I love the things you write about here. My sister is 50 and single. She had hoped to be married with children by this time in her life. It’s complicated. As Kris said, it’s all personal and individual, so your advice to ask specifically how to support and be a better friend is the best advice. I do a pretty good job most of the time, but it’s challenging with four daughters who occasionally ask those not so helpful questions of her. So, one of the supportive things I do is help my four daughters to respect her choices and to not be deluded by the American Romantic Dream of getting married and having kids as the goal of life and the hidden message that something is wrong with those who don’t pursue that dream.

    I’m curious, do you think single men over 40 experience a similar pressure?

  19. Avatar of LazyL
    LazyL April 23, 2012 at 11:07 am #

    I was a very happy, single, 50 y.o. woman, never married, my own writing business, owned a lovely small ranch, lots of friends, happy, when I met a very nice man. I wasn’t looking at the time; I had made peace with being single and was very happy at it.

    We married four years later, during which he became my best friend and I thought I had finally conquered all my dysfunctional early-life lessons and found my true mate. Sold my ranch with my self-designed dream home, bought a smaller place, and we married. His youngest son and he moved in.

    He changed almost immediately into a very nasty person: yelling, ridiculing, criticizing me. His son was nasty to me as well, with no support for me from dad. Now it’s been four more years. The son is gone, at least! My husband dealt a lot with his issues through counseling, and the yelling, ridicule, and criticism has largely stopped. He still loses his temper over stupid things a lot. I stayed because I said the “death do us part” words, and couldn’t see myself giving up on my commitment. But now, even though he more or less resembles the man I dated all those years (without one incidence of yelling, criticism or ridicule, BTW, while we dated), I find myself longing for my old single life. I’m still reeling from the hurt and disappointment that a seemingly trustworthy man transformed into a nightmare as soon as he “got” me.

    I totally agree with the last sentences of this essay. Compromising couples — and that is most of them — stay together because they give up key parts of themselves. They gave me bad advice. Now I’m trying to find my own advice, the best I can.

    I don’t want much in life: to express the joy and wonder I feel at the world, to have some fun, to feel emotionally connected to my partner. I’m now living with a very nice roommate who wants “benefits” he isn’t getting. The future? will have to sort itself out as I sort this experience out.

    If I knew then what I know now, I would never have married. I’ve come to see marriage as an institution created by men for access to sex. It doesn’t do women all that much good, especially women who have created a financially stable life.

    I do wish I had my best friend back. But I don’t know that I can travel down that road anymore.

    • Avatar of September 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm #

      I’m sorry to hear this happened to you. It’s so devastating to get married and then all hell breaks loose. I saw glimmers of the person I married before the wedding day, but as someone who has been gaslighted by my parents my whole life, I found it all but impossible to listen to my better instincts. The thing is, you know what’s right — but it’s hard to listen to that intuition when everyone around you wants you married off — even to the lousiest louse. Ugh. If I have a shot at being single again, I will never ever ever get married again. Like Taylor Swift says in her new hit single, when it comes to marriage for me — “we are never, ever, ever getting back together.” This revelation even at my ripe age of 50 is liberating indeed.

  20. Avatar of Kris
    Kris April 23, 2012 at 8:36 am #

    I think empathy is necessary for every situation. Good communication includes being a good listener as well as a good at expressing yourself. However, we often forget that empathy is necessary to take the conversation deeper and that’s the only way there will ever be intimacy among 2 friends.

    I find that everyone is in such a rush all the time and no one wants to “listen”. Everyone seems to passively listen to words but they don’t register. Thankfully you are making words register.

    This argument about generalizing an age group can apply to any age group. It’s all personal and individual. You can’t lump everyone together. Being 40 and single, it is nice to hear someone stand up for us. I don’t always hear many generalization however I look much younger.

    As far as the advice, I personally feel that most people settle for who they are with and that’s why they are unhappy. I am not talking about compromise. People who compromise are the couples who will stay together forever. I think they give bad advice because they live bad advice.


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