Earlier this year, I was watching a repeat episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. The guest on particular this episode was Dr. Oz, who was tasked with answering a series of health questions, many of which were related to women’s reproductive health.
After Dr. Oz answered a question about douching, Oprah turned to a gentleman who was sitting in the audience and (with some humor) apologized to him for being stuck listening to all the conversation about “women” stuff and being seen in on TV for participating in an episode that dealt with, among other topics, menstruation and menopause issues.
The gentleman turned out to be Major League Baseball player, Jim Thome, who plays for the Chicago Whitesox. He had brought his wife to the Oprah show as a gift (tickets to the Oprah Show were nearly impossible to come by).
Oprah’s interaction with Jim Thorne left me fuming. Why should we feel bad for him? Why would Oprah feel bad for him? I am an Oprah fan, but her apology was uncharacteristic for someone who spends her life advocating for and helping women.
I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t feel sorry for Jim Thome because he’s a wealthy, famous baseball player.
What I am saying is that we shouldn’t feel sorry for him because he’s a man and he doesn’t have to deal with the reality of any of the problems addressed on the Oprah show he sat in on. And instead of Oprah offering that Dr. Oz episode to Jim as an opportunity to learn more about a woman’s body, which gives him tools with which to be more supportive of his wife and women family members, he was offered an apology for having to sit in on a conversation about an issue that is so central to a woman’s life.
Why is our culture so intent on protecting men from hearing about or discussing a woman’s reproductive health?
I’ve written about this phenomena in some of my previous columns. When some of the women in my life start talking about their menstrual cycles or anything else reproductive related, they stop themselves and warm me to stop listening, “But you don’t want to hear about this…”
Meredith, 25, finds herself handling conversations about her period in a very similar way, “Anytime I talk about my period, I feel the need to begin with, ‘I’m sorry to bring this up…’ or ‘I’m sorry if this grosses you out, but…’ Why do I (and other women) feel the need to apologize for being women?”
So, why are women apologizing for their bodies or hiding their reproductive issues from their male partners or friends? I think this tendency for women to protect men from issues about their body, especially about the reproductive issues, is something that is learned. It’s not inherent. All it takes is your mother or another female relative telling you that no man wants to hear about a woman’s period or PMS issues, to begin a lifelong habit of not sharing anything related to that part of the body. Or, it’s your first boyfriend saying “TMI–gross,” when you dare say out loud that you’re dealing with a problem. It shuts you down for life.
Ultimately, it boils down to one thing: men only want to associate a woman’s vagina with sex. Anything else, despite the reality that a woman’s vagina is not created to simply function as a conduit for sex, is a disgusting inconvenience.
I get it–to a certain extent.
We have conditioned men and women to think about and to handle a woman’s reproductive health is as if it’s a curse. In fact, some women remember a time when it was commonly referred to as “the curse.” So, if men think about the vagina only in the context of sex, the introduction any other reality involving blood, bodily fluids, or anything “gross” coming from that area of the body is going to push them over the edge. It’s going to cloud their sense of pleasure.
But that’s not an excuse and it doesn’t forgive insensitive behavior.
A woman’s body, especially her reproductively system, is way more complicated than just the sex part. And the “gross parts” aren’t, frankly, gross–they are a natural cyclical reality. A woman’s body is a prominent part of her identity and when men refuse to understand the physical aspects of a woman’s period and any issues related to their reproductive health, they are essentially ignoring a (big) part of who she is.
So where does this leave women? Unsupported. Having a rough time with your period and all the associated symptoms? Too bad–that’s for women to deal with. Going through menopause and it’s come as an absolute shock to you? Get over it.
Laura, 57, saw this type of reaction in her now ex-husband. Anytime she wanted to talk about anything “feminine,” he would respond with this comment, “Just fix it.”
“Like I could take a screwdriver, wrench, or hammer and some nails to ‘fix it.’”
It’s not just the physical aspects of a woman’s reproductive system that are unattractive and disgusting to men. It’s anything remotely related to menstruation or menopause.
Don’t even dare to ask some men to buy tampons. Ally, 29, was holed up in her house with the flu last month and could barely get out of bed. When she asked her boyfriend to get tampons, he scoffed and responded, “Anything but that.”
She was forced to have a (female) friend run out and get them.
Note to men: if your sense of masculinity depends on avoiding ever having to buy a plastic tube filled with cotton, you’ve got way bigger problems than you realize.
Beyond feeling unsupported, the idea that a woman’s reproductive health is “gross” or a topic that should be avoided has a horrible impact on some women–it detaches them from their bodies and makes them ashamed.
Alena*, age 42, is married to a man who does not want to acknowledge that she has any sort of reproductive health cycles, “It does make him uncomfortable, but I’m over trying to make other people feel better at the expense of my own mental health. But it does have a negative effect on me, knowing that he thinks it’s disgusting, because it means that for a week out of the month, I am disgusting.”
I am not attempting to victimize women. This isn’t about encouraging men to sweep in and save the day because women are weak and can’t handle their reproductive health on their own. And for the record, I’m not talking about women who desire privacy when it comes to this matter. For those who do, it’s their business. But there are plenty of women who want the outward support from their male partners, but feel embarrassed to talk about their periods, their menopause experiences, or anything related to their reproductive health.
And frankly, I’m tired of being witness to it.
This column goes back to an issue I’ve addressed my previous writing, where I explore how our culture puts forth women as totally and completely complicated–that what women need from people in their life, in this case, the men, is so complicated that it’s nearly impossible to figure out how to help them and how to talk to them about it.
It’s ridiculous.
I am never one to explain what women want–no one can do that. But I can definitively say what humans want. And every human being wants and needs support. For women, when it comes to the reproductive health department (along with many other departments), because they are humans, are lacking what they need: support.
I have no doubt if men had to deal with menstruation, menopause or anything of the like, not only would the women in their lives be intimately involved, but our armed forces would also be tasked with finding solutions to make it easier.
So the solution is simple in my mind. If women need, want support, it’s time to stop protecting men from what EVERY woman has to deal with. And it’s also time for men to stop believing that a woman’s reproductive health is one part of a her life that can be ignored, bypassed, or forgotten. A segregated support system is no support system at all. It’s time to put “TMI” to bed. There’s no such thing as too much information when it comes to the women we purport to love.
And what if the men in your life keep pushing back?
Jennifer*, 37, finally had her fill with protecting men, “After years and years of men acting like I said something obscene when I dared to mention my period, I came up with a simple policy: I don’t date anyone who gets seriously grossed out talking about basic bodily functions, including my period. It’s frankly immature and a subtle form of misogyny–Oh god, your natural, female body is so gross!”
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
*Name and age changed.
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It wasn’t until I read this post that I realized at some point in my life someone gave me a gift. Somewhere I acquired the belief that being in a vagina is a privilege that requires certain sacrifices, like hearing about my period, and how much I hate taking the pill as a form of birth control. If asked to tone it down when discussing a “woman’s” issue with a man in the room, my response is typically “Grow Up!”. You might get a pass, if I know you are gay.
I understand that the apology was directed at a man and in your opinion he is lower than dirt just for being born with testicles.
But can you tone down the disrespectful sack of human waste routine? What if he was uncomfortable not only with the topic but with being the only guy in the room during that topic and that’s why Oprah apologized? I’m sure you would be all over the idea of apologizing to a woman that looked bored sitting through a group of guys talking about baseball so why is it different?
I was raised that certain things are talked about in certain situations. My wife can talk to me about anything she wants in the home but keep it in the house.
Did you ever stop and think (stupid question I know) that maybe he was raised that certain topics are for closed door conversations and he was uncomfortable with that discussion for that reason?
I’m a little late to the conversation here, but:
1) Thank you for posting this. It’s nice to see acknowledgement that this is a legitimate problem.
2) I always knew this was an issue, but I didn’t realize exactly how much of one until I was out with a longtime (gay male) friend one day and wasn’t feeling well. He was concerned and I brushed it off with ‘I’m having cramps, I’ll be fine when my ibuprofen kicks in’. He got really quiet, which is very unusual for this particular friend and I thought he was weirded out, but instead when we got to the car had a long conversation about it. Turns out, despite growing up with a single mom, he was completely clueless/misinformed. He honestly thought that we bleed and have to wear pads or tampons all the time, and the ‘period’ is just the cramping and hormonal portion of it. I never thought about it from the male perspective that THEY are taught that it’s not to be talked about either, and truly don’t understand until we give them the information they need.
One of the most effective explanations I’ve used to a male is this: Ask if they’ve ever seen a snake shed its skin; the way the muscles twitch and contract. (Most will say yes, because shedding snakes are oddly fascinating.) Then tell them that’s what your body is doing and how your abdomen feels while you’re on your period. For 3-5 days straight. I’ve yet to find a guy who doesn’t have a lightbulb moment after hearing that.
I agree with being upset at Oprah apologizing to anyone for having to sit through her show. It is a show about women and you showed up. Duh!
But… That having been said. I have never felt comfortable discussing menstruation with women that I am not very close to. Just like I would not bring up ANY of my bodily functions to ANYone I was not close to. That is my definition of TMI. It is my comfort zone. Beyond that I agree totally.
I hope everyone can see where I am coming from.
This entire piece is about men who are close to particular women and not wanting to hear anything about these particular women’s bodies.
I understand some people have higher disgust thresholds, but you wouldn’t shut down a first-aid class just because they were talking about injuries and blood. You would understand that knowledge of such matters was important in order for you to be able to render effective first aid. Likewise, disgust at other bodily functions is no excuse for maintaining ignorance about how the human body works. Ignorance about reproductive functions in particular is part of the reason we even have to have a national debate about reproductive health care needs.
You wouldn’t put up with your government being ignorant about ED or prostate-health or testicular cancer issues. So maybe you should get over your disgust concerning women’s bits. You can’t be an advocate for us when the government gets too big for its britches, if you don’t even know what’s going on.
And what happens if you ever have a daughter and her mom dies? What then?
Excellent post, indeed!!! I am so lucky to be married to someone that accepts all grotesque details, and is just as comfortable with sharing his with me!!
“Beyond feeling unsupported, the idea that a woman’s reproductive health is “gross” or a topic that should be avoided has a horrible impact on some women–it detaches them from their bodies and makes them ashamed.”
I can’t express how true this is, and how much of a pain in the ass it really is. Logically knowing it’s a problem doesn’t make the shame and disgust in yourself go away. At least not right away, and not without a lot of work. I’m definitely not there yet.
“So what would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?
“Clearly, menstruation would become an enviable, worthy, masculine event:
“Men would brag about how long and how much.
“Young boys would talk about it as the envied beginning of manhood. Gifts, religious ceremonies, family dinners, and stag parties would mark the day.
“To prevent monthly work loss among the powerful, Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea. Doctors would research little about heart attacks, from which men would be hormonally protected, but everything about cramps.
“Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of such commercial brands as Paul Newman Tampons, Muhammad Ali’s Rope-a-Dope Pads, John Wayne Maxi Pads, and Joe Namath Jock Shields- “For Those Light Bachelor Days.”
“Statistical surveys would show that men did better in sports and won more Olympic medals during their periods.
“Generals, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation (“men-struation”) as proof that only men could serve God and country in combat (“You have to give blood to take blood”), occupy high political office (“Can women be properly fierce without a monthly cycle governed by the planet Mars?”), be priests, ministers, God Himself (“He gave this blood for our sins”), or rabbis (“Without a monthly purge of impurities, women are unclean”).
“Male liberals and radicals, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could join their ranks if only she were willing to recognize the primacy of menstrual rights (“Everything else is a single issue”) or self-inflict a major wound every month (“You must give blood for the revolution”).
“Street guys would invent slang (“He’s a three-pad man”) and “give fives” on the corner with some exchenge like, ‘Man you lookin’ good!’
“‘Yeah, man, I’m on the rag!’
“TV shows would treat the subject openly. (Happy Days: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still “The Fonz,” though he has missed two periods in a row. Hill Street Blues: The whole precinct hits the same cycle.) So would newspapers. (Summer Shark Scare Threatens Menstruating Men. Judge Cites Monthlies In Pardoning Rapist.) And so would movies. (Newman and Redford in Blood Brothers!)
“Men would convince women that sex was more pleasurable at “that time of the month.” Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself, though all they needed was a good menstruating man.
“Medical schools would limit women’s entry (“they might faint at the sight of blood”).
“Of course, intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguements. Without the biological gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets, how could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics– or the ability to measure anything at all? In philosophy and religion, how could women compensate for being disconnected from the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death and resurrection every month?
“Menopause would be celebrated as a positive event, the symbol that men had accumulated enough years of cyclical wisdom to need no more.
“Liberal males in every field would try to be kind. The fact that “these people” have no gift for measuring life, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.
“And how would women be trained to react? One can imagine right-wing women agreeing to all these arguements with a staunch and smiling masochism. (“The ERA would force housewives to wound themselves every month”: Phyllis Schlafly)
“In short, we would discover, as we should already, that logic is in the eye of the logician. (For instance, here’s an idea for theorists and logicians: if women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn’t it logical to say that, in those few days, women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? I leave further improvisation up to you.)
“The truth is that, if men could menstruate, the power justifications would go on and on.
“If we let them.” —Gloria Steinem
Thank you for bringing up such an important subject.
To all of the women who talked about having extremely painful periods, please do consider talking to your doctor about the possibility of you having endometriosis, as having periods that painful is NOT normal.
I struggled with this issue myself, having very painful periods, I used to have pre-period cramps, period cramps, ovulation cramps. And I could not talk to the men in my life about it. It’s incredibly frustrating, especially when you, like me, have a chronic disease that is to do with periods.
i had to register to comment….I am a breastfeeding mother of a 10.5 month old….and my oldest is a 17 year old boy. Menstruation/breastfeeding…..its all what your kids are taught. I am proud to say that my 17 yr old actually brings up the subjects to his gf and she thinks its strange. He is extremely comfortable about talking about “natural” things. Which other people would think are taboo. He will ask if his brother needs to be breastfed in front of his friends because that is the first purpose breast were made for. He is comfortable talking about those things because we have been open about them as a family….. something I think people need to do more of now. There are so many rules and regulations with society now that I think we have even harmed our children as to what is acceptable or not. I now hear children saying stupid is a swear word….granted, its not nice to call someone that. But some parents will then run away with that same child when a nursing mother is around…and wonder why that child grows into an adult that can cope or communicate about themselves……same goes with menstruation ect….i could go on and on….happy i found this blog :)
i appreciate the sentiment behind this post, but as others have said: there are many women who do not have periods; many men menstruate. this could be because someone had a hysterectomy, or is trans, or whatever. i would love to see more trans/disabled-inclusive language on this site.
an essay about menstruation and men’s reaction to the topic is not at all trans exclusive nor ablist. some women dont menstruate, yes we all know that. this needn’t be pointed out. The essay isnt about ALL WOMEN its about the topic of reproductive health and how society and men view that topic. there is no reason to provide disclaimers for trans and/or women who do not menstruate. Its pretty much a given.
Shall we also stop talking about being able to see or hear because it might upset a blind or Deaf person, respectively?
Also, the phenomenon of being transgender is purely cultural, since gender is a cultural construct–as opposed to sex, which is biological. No matter what your genital bits look like or what your hormonal balance is, biologically speaking you are female if you have XX chromosomes and male if you have XY. Whatever the culture might call you is independent of the biological reality. From that standpoint, only women menstruate (when physically able) and only women give birth. Nothing else is possible. That transman who had babies could only do so when he stopped his testosterone–when he became more female again. With the testosterone shots it was impossible for him to conceive.
I have my own issues with the whole transgender thing and the assumptions from which it springs. The idea that you can’t possibly be female if you like football or can’t possibly be male if you loved playing with dolls when you were a kid. It is like the ultimate buying-in to the cultural gender binary. If it helps some people cope with who they are in a culture that strictly enforces that gender binary, I certainly can’t argue against that. But I question how helpful it is to buy into that binary rather than fighting against it. I know it’s tough to fight, I have times when I’d rather just give up and say “a pox on both your houses,” that kind of thing. But the oppression doesn’t go away if you play along with it.
Indigenous cultures frequently allow for a third gender or a “two-spirit” kind of designation with people who cross gender lines. We need that in this culture too.
I’ve started to notice more and more that menopause seems to be an even more taboo subject than menstruation—probably because now that my and my friends’ mothers are starting to go through it, it’s been coming up in conversation more. Is it just because it’s an “icky” female-body process? Or is it because since time immemorial the changes a woman’s body goes through are indicative of aging and the passage of time, which generally terrify men who like to pretend to be perpetually virile? It’s supremely frustrating and I wish I were confident and eloquent enough to address this problem when it arises.
Also, somewhat related: Not too long ago I had a major operation to remove two [benign] tumors from my ovaries. Naturally, this was sort of a huge deal to me, and something I talked about fairly often leading up to the surgery and in the months following. I was genuinely surprised by men’s reactions to my ordeal—namely, being disgusted that I would bring up something like ovarian tumors. And the issue was never that I was talking about tumors, but that I was talking about OVARIAN ones. Call me silly, but up until then I didn’t know that ovaries were considered as icky as menstrual blood. Whoops. Although I got through everything just fine, this realization prevented me from seeking comfort from some of the people closest to me (including my boyfriend and father). How nice.
I feel you, this is what I went through when I was diagnosed with endometriosis 1½ years ago. Men just don’t want to hear anything to do with the female reproductive organs.
I understand where you’re coming from, I honestly do, but I also understand the male perspective. My mother is a nurse and I have two sisters, so I grew up being very open about bodily functions. That said, I still think my period is gross.
Not only am I in pain, there are substances coming out of my body that stink and cause texture related discomfort. Seriously ladies, you all have to have woken up in the middle of the night shuddering and thinking “EW!” because your period sneaked up on you when you didn’t have a pad!
I have no problem joking, whining, or in any way speaking about menstruation with my female friends and family, but men? Men just don’t get it. They don’t go through the emotional and physical chaos that is menstruation every month, so they are hard pressed to understand a phenomenon that is commonplace to women. I am not justifying the examples used in the article, but they are extreme. The average male, in my experience, does accept that periods are a natural part of a woman’s life, but it doesn’t mean they won’t be comfortable discussing something they have no hope of truly understanding.
I actually just blogged about a related topic: the dreaded annual exam women go through, but never talk about. Thank you for speaking up about this! I’ve known a number of guys who aren’t willing to deal with their girlfriend’s menstrual cycle. If anyone is interested in what I wrote, here’s the link to my blog: chocolatesexgeek.blogspot.com/2012/01/things-we-rarely-talk-about.html
My ex had an interesting reason for his period squeamishness. When he was a small child, some other neighborhood children shoved him down a set of stone garden stairs to faceplant and split his nose and mouth open to the point of having a hairlip and blood pouring down his face. When he got inside, seven years old and numb with shock, he looked into the mirror and saw himself mangled, with blood pouring from his mouth and staining the entirety of the white plush towel his mother was using to control the bleeding.
It wasn’t just my vagina that brought back the numb terror that he felt that day, causing a shock-like pallor and traumatized shaking; it was scenes from Interview with the Vampire, it was the chronic nosebleeds he still got as an adult, and yes, when my period “came on” during sex staining his own privates, I had him cover his head with a blanket while I cleaned him up.
On the other hand, he circumnavigated this trauma to gingerly clean me up after breaking my hymen and had no problem getting me provisions when needed them or taking me to the doctor for reproductive health issues when necessary.
For him, it wasn’t simply female reproduction that was disgusting: blood terrified him.
My point is that while this is a valid issue to be addressed and challenged, it is perhaps unfair to label “men” as being an “immature bunch of babies” for their reactions. Children learn from liberation or intimidation to be the people they become, and whether a man learned his sensitivity to female reproduction through harsh social conditioning or almost losing an eye, there’s probably a lot behind his dismissiveness.
After all, we wouldn’t be having this discussion about an incest survivor’s disgust at male biology, would we?
I very much doubt that 100 percent of men who are disgusted at female functions all had their faces nearly split in half. I would also like to know why it is OK for men to treat women as a nameless, faceless, amorphous class (well, except when they *want* to see our shapes), but every man is supposed to be treated as a special, exceptional individual who is unlike anyone else.
There is always some excuse a man has for treating women like crap. Yes, your boyfriend is a special case, and his being terrified of blood is not “treating you like crap.” But it does not follow that ALL men who act weird about women’s issues are special cases. There is still a cultural underpinning that drives the way most of them behave towards us.
I would just like to say, that this issue is prevalent in my life. My husband has not been intimate with me for over a year because the last time he wanted to be intimate with me, I happened to be having my period. He said to me, “Ugh. Why do you have to do that right now?” And then, he rolled over, went to sleep, and hasn’t touched me since. As if my having normally functioning reproductive parts, is a huge, disgusting inconvenience for him.
I don’t think that not wanting to talk about periods logically means that men are being sexist. There are lots of things that people don’t like to talk about. No one wants to hear about my poop despite it being natural.
Except that only women menstruate. Funny how that works. And menstruation’s only a “waste product” if no pregnancy is conceived. There are valid reasons to be disgusted by products of elimination–being disgusted by feces, for instance, helps prevent the spread of diseases such as cholera. But unless someone’s running around HIV-positive, periods aren’t going to kill you.
Americans must be very different to British men. If I had a period no-one would know about it. I’m pretty sure that goes for most men over here. There’s a huge problem with men ignoring and failing to speak up about anything associated with their bodies, leaving them far more likely to suffer adverse health consequences than women. I find it interesting and surprising to learn that the reverse is true in the U.S.
Totally agree! The same ideas apply to breastfeeding. Some men can’t separate breasts from sex and because of this women are forced to nurse and pump in bathrooms and closets or cover their nursing baby under a delicately arranged configuration of blankets so men won’t be uncomfortable.
I actually don’t know if breastfeeding is seen the same way. Personally I’m comfortable with it because I remember both of my younger brothers being breastfed years before it occurred to me that breasts could be attractive, but I also think that males in general are more bothered by the idea of menstruation because of the whole image of women as complicated and impossible to understand. When men think they can’t understand women to begin with, they’re not going to want to have to address anything like PMS. Unless of course it’s convenient to accuse a stressed female of being on her period every time she gets upset about something.
I suppose I have an awesome boyfriend who will go out and but these things for me. When I asked him about this he said not going out and buying them for your girlfriend is the same as refusing to but toilet paper cos you know what its for.
I have had boyfriends in the past who have thought it was ‘icky’ I was generally in no mood for there stupidity and told them so. There didn’t seem to be much of an issue after that.
Great article on an important subject. It has angered me all my life that I cannot talk about this subject as if its just a natural part of life. I’m going to make a special effort to insert it into polite conversations from now on ;-)
One of my clients ( I am a counsellor) told me a story of how she was having her periods and had a tampon inserted…. when she met a new lover, she was too ashamed to tell him she had the tampon in. And ended up having intercourse with the tampon in. It took ages to dig around inside and extricate it. You can imagine how much she enjoyed the sex during that little interaction !
I also had another male client who said (in front of his partner) that he wouldn’t attend the birth of their baby because he knew he would get grossed out by seeing his wifes vagina all bloodied and swollen etc… and didn’t want to have that picture in his head next time he had sex with her.
I can sort of understand that, but I felt disgusted with him and his lack of connection to the wholeness of who his wife is, and the magic of a new baby being born….and deeply saddened for her. He was probably one of these guys who was similarly grossed out by babies excretory functions and would not be helping out in that arena.
Most men are just pathetic in these arenas and its time that women stopped colluding and started speaking up.
Thanks Vashar.
The issue of exactly why there is a societal block when it comes to the discussion of female reproduction health was not exactly discussed here. It was only mentioned that people do not discuss it. The reasons why is actually the important part of the discussion. There is a power struggle in what is given voice. If you don’t give a subject voice, then it doesn’t have power. Ie. if women are not allowed to talk about their reproductive health generally, as commonly as people talk about ED, as another commentor suggested, then how will they be able to talk about it when it really matters, in the political and legal sphere? By training women from the start that their reproductive health is something dirty, something to hide, something not worth talking about, no matter how important it may be personally to them, the society is preparing to silence women where it counts; crippling them by denying them the right to their own reproductive health and choices from the beginning. Don’t talk about it- and certainly don’t fight for it. This is the lesson we are teaching women. Keep silent.
Oh boy……you opened up a can of worms and one of my political platforms on which I like to pontificate. I’m with Jennifer……the natural function of a woman’s body…is just that….NATURAL, NORMAL, HEALTHY…..and NOT something that needs to be medicated!!!!!!!!!! (ranting!!!!) There is one thing along this topic you forgot….Pharmaceutical companies and their co-conspirators in the medical institution who feel the need to demonize all things female: menstruation, menopause, creative awakening (medicated as depression and panic attack)….unless of course it has to do with making us look like porn stars (liposuction, breast implants, botox, etc. etc. etc.) Our young girls are being socialized through the media and the medical institutions to believe they should be ashamed or try to get rid of the normal functions of their bodies. ARGH!!!!!!!!!! The worst part of all of this is that WOMEN go along with this B.S. If we want this to stop….WE have to be the ones to STOP medicating our periods, our menopause, our creative urges. I’m not saying we have to stop shaving our armpits or walk around with blood dripping down our legs…..but let’s get real here…..REALLY! Women, learn to love your body and all the things it does to bring forth life…..babies and your creative dreams!!! Embrace the miraculous nature of how your bodies operate and the amazing beauty with which you were born. Own it. Live it. Love it!!!!!!
yourspiritualtruth with all due respect, many of us do not exactly love our periods and it has nothing to do with socialization. Cramps hurt. It is not a figment of my imagination that they hurt, it’s not “mislabelling” and its not me being brainwashed into believing they hurt so I will hate being a woman. They freakin HURT like as in physical pain, okay? And hell to the yeah I will take medication when my body hurts so bad all I want to do is curl up in bed and wish for a quick death. Also, hormonal imbalance is maddening. Not because its a “creative awakening” but because it’s a real effect of hormones in the brain. I’m very glad that your menses do not give you any negativity but those of us who experience negative effects it isn’t because we don’t love our bodies, its because the human body often has issues with life and will sometimes give us pain. When I have migraines, I’m taking meds and I don’t give a flying hoot if other people think that’s not loving my brain.
Yeah, I kind of want to medicate away my period, not because I’m ashamed of it but because it hurts like hell. I used to have cramps so bad my legs would go numb and I could barely walk. Now thanks to the miracle of birth control, I can go on with my life. I completely agree that society’s insistence that women be hyper-sexualized and never allowed to talk about our “icky” things is ridiculous, but it’s equally ridiculous to say we shouldn’t medicate when we’re in pain. Menstruation is totally normal and shouldn’t be demonized, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it to last for as little time and with as little pain as I can manage.
Clearly you have been blessed when it comes to your periods. This is not the case for many women, such as myself and the other ladies who have replied to this. Please don’t try to tell women that they are not embracing the natural functions of the female body because they medicate while menstruating unless you can truly say that what you go through every month is the same as every other woman out there.
I, and many other women I know, experience cramps so bad that we can’t function. They are painful enough to make me vomit, and the only thing that makes it so I can work or be with friends are some extra strength pain killers. As well, PMS is not kind. It makes me irrational, cranky, and severely depressed–not a fun combination or something that stimulates creative urges.
The medication that you condemn, such as the birth control that soothes the emotional upheaval that is PMS, is actually to the benefit to women. It makes it so they can embrace their natural body since it doesn’t cause them physical or emotional pain.
Yea…. I need to medicate my periods. Until I got on birth control, they lasted around 9 days, caused my iron to bottom out, made me pass out, made me vomit, and gave me cramps so bad that I could not walk. Just because I don’t want to deal with the above issue doesn’t mean that I don’t love my body.
Awesome post! I personally can’t be involved deeply with someone who won’t allow me to discuss any of it, but also being a nurse I tend to discuss way more than I should be.
I am pregnant and recently had a visit to the ER due to bleeding. Everything is fine, we are ok. But one thing I noticed is when talking to people about it the common response is “oh. Like spotting.” No, not “like spotting”. There weren’t little ladybug red drops on my panties. It wasn’t delicate or simple or non-threatening. It was like hemorrhaging. I bleed profusely for a full day.
If it was “like spotting” I would not have gone to the hospital. If I were a guy and went to the ER for bleeding people would assume I lost a limb. But I am a woman, a pregnant woman, so I must be over-reacting .
for your own sanity, please do not post this comment, it is for you only: please don’t change “every woman” to “every cis-gendered woman”. There are plenty of cis-females who do not for various reasons, have menses and/or do not have any reproductive issues at all. singling out cis-gendered means you will undoubtedly stab a knife into those women even further. I have more than one friend who has serious issues with their reproductive parts and they often are angry that trans are so demanding of validation during discussions of those parts. Yes, trans people, you don’t have menses and you are bitter about it, but guess what? lots of women don’t either and they generally are not punishing the rest of womanhood about it.
Just put “most women” and leave it at that.
I created an account just to say thank you for this comment. It’s one that I’ve wanted to make, myself, but have always held my tongue on. Lumping all “cisgendered” women together is no better than lumping all women together, and actually further leaves out women who identify male but are still biologically female, who are still probably dealing with female reproduction systems. If you don’t want to offend anyone, just use “most.” There’s no need for a qualifier.
I appreciate this article. Especially since every other commercial on television is about ED. Health is health. Knowledge is power.
a friend of mine once said “I think any guy who has a problem buying tampons is an idiot. When I go to buy feminine products for a woman, I am essentially telling the world that I am on intimate terms with a woman. What in hell is wrong with that!?”
The extension of what your friend “jenny” said is that when/if you ever settle down with a female that you want to have children with, female reproductive issues will undoubtedly be revealed to you, possibly at length and ad nauseam, so you’d best get over your “cooties” attitude now and start learning while its still benign to you.
However, in men’s “defense” I’ve been told “I don’t mind if you talk about it and if I have questions I’ll ask. Its just that I don’t have much connection to it personally so I can’t add to the conversation”
Yashar thank you for a very thought provoking piece (as usual) and in many ways hilarious. However, while we may wag an accusatory finger at the men you describe display this ‘avoidant’ behaviour. I would suggest it isn’t the individuals we should be wagging the finger at. Surely society as whole has to bear the blame for how some men grow up with these attitudes? Their parents; the culture and society around them; education systems; the media and many others are responsible for these kind of attitudes developing in the first place. Keep up the good work!
Love this so much!!
I am so glad my guy friends & boyfriend listen to me when I talk about this stuff! Your article is so spot on!
(I would change *EVERY woman to EVERY cis-gendered woman).