This past weekend, in honor of “Love Your Body Day,” I had the great pleasure of sitting on a panel about body image, specifically about how women see themselves, and how men and women contribute to our toxic beauty culture.
On the panel, I addressed an issue that has always bothered me: the way we say or use the word “fat” around others.
As a society, the word “fat” is one of the last few acceptable slurs we can use in public. Rarely do we flinch or say anything when we hear somebody comment, with intentional negativity, on another person as “fat.” And we don’t think twice about making a comment about our own bodies in front of others. I often hear people making statements with an angry inflection like, “My ass is fat,” or “I feel fat.”
My friend Lisa (all names and identifying details have been changed) is the mother of two teen-aged daughters, both of whom have been grappling with body image issues for some time. She has been an incredibly supportive mother, doing her best to love her children and to help them see their bodies in a healthier way. But the other day, as she was making dinner in the kitchen, she told me, in front of her kids, how her “ass is fat” and how she can no longer fit into her jeans.
Later on, I asked her why she would speak negatively about herself in front of anyone, especially her kids, who she knows are grappling with major body image issues and as a result, have developed unhealthy and extreme eating and exercise habits. She looked at my confused face and said “I wasn’t saying their asses are fat, I was saying my ass is fat.”
Lisa didn’t notice how comments about her own body, in front of daughters who are currently dealing with this issue, could exacerbate their struggles with body image.
But our tendency to throw the word “fat” around is not just about the potential of affecting people we know who have been dealing with a body image issue. As I pointed out in my column last week, “Think Twice Before Praising Someone For Losing Weight,” we will never (and I mean never) truly know how someone is dealing with body image on a mental, emotional level. It doesn’t matter if someone has the “perfect” body, whether they’re skinny or plus-sized, most of the authentic feelings we have about our bodies are trapped inside our head and not shared with others.
So even if we are talking about someone being “fat” in front of someone who has a “perfect” body, we won’t fully understand how our “fat” comments can secretly impact their body image. When someone who is plus-sized hears you say the word “fat,” what else are they expected to think except that you are including them in the insult? When it comes to someone who is not plus-sized, but grappling with poor body image or an eating disorder, when you, someone this person probably respects and trust, hurls the word “fat” in front of them—this move could very well make them feel terrible about themselves…even if it’s not about or directed at them.
When I asked my friend Melanie about this issue related to the word “fat,” she brought up something I have repeatedly heard: people who are skinny or “fit” using the “fat” word as a slur in front of friends, family members, colleagues who are not as skinny or “fit.” Melanie, who is plus-sized, deals with this scenario all the time.
One of her girlfriends will often use the word as an insult weapon against men and women: “He’s so fat, gross” or “Wow, did you see how fat she’s getting” or “Ugh, I didn’t work out this week, I feel fat.”
Melanie wondered, “Does she not see that I’m sitting there? That I am clearly a plus-sized woman, usually bigger than the people she’s talking about. Doesn’t she think it hurts my feelings? How could I not think that she feels the same way about me? Hello?!”
When Melanie confronted this friend about her tendency to use “fat” as an insult, her friend responded, “Oh I don’t think of you that way, you know I love you.”
Yeah, but that doesn’t make things better…not at all.
These issues over the word “fat” that both Melanie and Lisa deal with come down to one dysfunctional perception: when we use this word with a negative connotation, we think it’s compartmentalized, that the negativity only applies to the person we are insulting, rather than the person we are making the comment in front of—that Melanie won’t be affected when her friend is insulting another “fat” person. That’s foolish.
I am going to be extremely careful in how I make this point because I don’t want to compare body to race. However, would most of us ever even think to comment about our skin tone or the skin tone of someone else in a negative way?
Imagine saying to someone else (specifically a person of color), “He’s so black, gross,” or “I got too tan this weekend at the beach, my skin is too dark…nasty.”
Again, I want to avoid the direct comparison between body and race, but I think that is an interesting comparison to think about and consider.
This isn’t just about the use of the word fat, but it’s also about our tone when we do use it. As a society, when we say the word “fat,” we tend to say it with a forceful, angry inflection—whether we’re saying it about ourselves or someone else.
I am not suggesting that we should avoid talking about how we feel about our bodies with our loved ones—not at all. In fact, we should always encourage thoughtful conversation about body image as well as physical and mental health.
This exploration into the word “fat” is not just about being thoughtful and considerate in terms of how others may take our use of the word, but it’s also about thinking carefully about how the word “fat” is wrapped up in all these problematic and negative connotations and who ultimately gets affected when we use it as an insult or even as a descriptor.
Because the word “fat” doesn’t just impact the person we are trying insult or the person standing within earshot, the word “fat” also affects the person saying it.
And that doesn’t feel so good…does it?
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I understand your hesitancy to make the comparison between body and race – but the similarities exist and struck me before you ventured to compare them.
“When Melanie confronted this friend about her tendency to use “fat” as an insult, her friend responded, ‘Oh I don’t think of you that way, you know I love you.’ ”
“I don’t think of YOU that way” I’ve heard this both from people who put down larger people and those who speak negatively of Black people. Also common is, “But you’re not really Fat/Black,” as though, somehow their affection for me eliminates the part of me that they find offensive in others.
Thank you for your writing…it is thought provoking, and touching – two things that are sorely lacking in much of what is out there to be read today.
These aren’t similarities in race and body composition, these are similarities in how people react to them, or to being confronted on their opinions of them. And that makes sense, because there are really no similarities in race and body composition, I’m sorry…it’s just a ridiculous comparison. Nobody can choose or change their race, but despite what people want to say, you absolutely choose to have the body composition you have, and can change it at any time… Yes, there are medical conditions that may contribute to making this more difficult, but I would not say it’s a common case for there to be any situation that just flat out stops your body from being able to burn fat… For most of us, the laws of thermodynamics apply, and losing weight is simply a matter of managing calories in vs. calories out (overall health is a different question of course)
In the genral case though- race and how much body fat you cary are totally different. One is the result of your actions (and therefore DOES speak to something about how you behave), while the other does not. We can argue all day about whether or not the behavior that makes or keeps one overweight is a negative thing or not, but that question doesn’t even exist when it comes to race.
Fat is a physical characteristic. It is not an insult. It does not define me, limit me or devalue me. If others define, limit or devalue me based on that physical characteristic, it says a whole lot more about them than it does about me.
I am 5’2″, 56 years old, and I am fat. I’ve been fat since I actually wasn’t fat. They called me fat when I was a 140 lb swim teamer who could swim 7 or 8 miles a day in the summer, stop after 400 situps because I got bored and did all the same routines on the parallel bars that the boys did. I wore a size 12 jean then but only because my thighs were so muscular, the size 8 that fit my waist would not go over them.
Since then, I’ve learned what fat really is. At my biggest, I weighed in at 425; at this point I’m hovering around 300 which doesn’t please me, but then, that’s not the whole story, either. It’s also a heck of a lot better than 425.
At 38, I was probably the strongest woman at my local Bally gym–250 lb leg extensions (3 sets of 12), 370 lb single leg squats on a machine–also 3 sets of 12. 180 lbs on the seated row–same sets. The list goes on–I did a 5 hour full body workout every other day, including treadmill and swimming. What part of fat can’t be fit are you still insisting on?
Just recently, I earned my red belt in martial arts. I’m ending my one-month hiatus since I’ve decided red is good enough for someone like me; I’m about to go back to the gym and see just how strong 56 and female can be.
And yeah, you bet I’m fat. Marshmallow over solid steel. I did some martial arts kicks tonight just because it felt good. Side kicks. Did I mention I have diabetic neuropathy in my feet and I also sometimes have vertigo? I heard, as I got belt after belt in martial arts, that I was an inspiration, but I say that this is just normal and that most people can do it. It’s all about trying it whether you’re sure you can get there or not.
Truth is, nobody is that easily categorized. You don’t know my basic health (except for being diabetic, I’m as healthy as a little pony). You don’t know what I can do. While I watch skinny people struggle to grab their knees, I’m folded over with my arms resting on my right leg, hands draped on the floor. You just don’t know.
I have brown hair, blue eyes, and I’m fat. I’m also smart, funny and artistically talented. I’ve been happily married for almost 13 years (we’ve been together a total of 26). I’m a mom and a daughter and a friend and by gum, for the most part, I’m happy. And I’m fat.
I’m a very slender person. Not because I do anything other than eat when I’m hungry, stop when I’m full, and I’m active because I love horses and mountains and go out riding, hiking, or fishing whenever I can…
I don’t like the word “fat” because of the connotations that come along with the word… Fat isn’t a feeling, one cannot FEEL fat. Fat doesn’t equal lazy, worthless, or any other number of adjectives that people try to use as synonyms.
I would like to hear people talk about their bodies as the beautiful things they are. Not because they are shaped a certain way. Just because our bodies are ALL pretty damned amazing.
“Fat” is nothing but a descriptive word, as someone else has said. It is true that other people, by their tone and usage, have turned it into a dirty word. However, I’m not going to fall victim to that. I am fat. I’m not chubby, I’m not plus-sized, I’m not Reubenesque–I’m fat. It took me years to accept my body and have healthy self-esteem because of our society’s attitude that if you’re fat, you should hate yourself. I don’t. But I’m also not going to cower and try to slap pretty words on what I am for my own comfort and the comfort of others. Does it shock people when I describe myself as fat? Absolutely. I don’t guess that should have surprised me at first, but it did. Friends would immediately shift their gaze elsewhere as if I had just used a horrid racial slur. It was fascinating to me. But now…I don’t care about the reaction. I’m taking back ownership of a word that is NOT inherently offensive in and of itself. I’m fat. Don’t like it? Too bad.
JanuarySun,
That was hilarious :) Love it.
People seem to have this notion that if one acknowledges a negative characteristic about themselves, that they’re suddenly low-self esteem and have low confidence.
Quite the opposite–the more things I see about myself–and more importantly, ACCEPT, about myself–the more I realize that it’s not such a big deal–and that it’s completely OK to have problems, to not be perfect. :)
-e
I think it’s ridiculous how often Euphemisms are used to created a padded world to cope with reality. It would be interesting if people practiced something called ‘accepting reality’–where reality is based on what actually ‘is’, rather than creating a reality which caters to peoples feelings.
To call a lemon ‘yellow’, inherently is an objective observation. But if yellow, somehow conveyed a negative connotation, then we would call it ‘off-gold’–because, you know, we wouldn’t want to hurt its self-esteem.
Still, no one notices that the same euphemisms actually foster an environment of personal irresponsibility. Euphemisms are enabling people who shouldn’t be enabled.
Sorry folks, if you’re overweight, if you’re fat–try accepting that. It’s ok to be fat, and/or overweight. Own up to it, claim it. And if you don’t like it–change it.
We have an epidemic of obesity in the United States–more than anywhere else in the WORLD. What we don’t have is an epidemic of low self esteem.
The US is filled with fat people, who are irresponsible with their own bodies, yes, likely that’s you reading this–and their, and your slovenly, hedonistic lifestyles should be changed—not the word ‘fat’.
-e
If I’m talking about someone with a naturally large frame who, even with a healthy amount of fat on their bodies would still weigh more than average, I prefer “big,” “large,” or “plus-sized.” If it’s an actual issue of unhealthy levels of fat on the body, I would use the medical term “obese.” “Overweight” suggests that there is a standard, acceptable weight that applies equally to everyone, regardless of variables, and a person can be overweight according to medical charts but still have the right amount of fat on their bodies. They just have more muscle, or denser bones. “Fat” is only one type of tissue in a body. Even extremely obese people have bone and muscle and internal organs too, not just fat.
However, I agree with your sentiment about not using fancy words. For example, it’s a perfectly noble and acceptable thing to be a dog, if indeed one is a dog. No need to gussy it up to “Canine-American.”
I’m totally with this. The only thing (pointed out by the other response as well) is that I think some people have different ideas about what is or isn’t fat, and I would disagree on whether it’s a negative thing depending on where you set that line… Like some people would say Beyonce is fat and I totally disagree, but I’m a fan of having a little softness vs being super skinny.
Aside from that, my opinion is that there’s definitely a point when someone qualifies as fat, and whether you like it or not, the qualities that get one there are overwhelmingly seen as negatives. Be who you want to be, and if you’re happy with yourself that’s great, forget what other people think- but let’s not act like it doesn’t say something about your lifestyle, or that we should have to avoid calling a spade a spade so you won’t feel bad about it.
When I got out of college I got fat…and that’s exactly what I was- FAT. 6’1″ 250 lbs, and my body fat was probably around 35%. I didn’t need anyone calling me fat to make me feel bad or ashamed of it, because I felt it myself and I SHOULD have. If people said I was fat, I knew it was because I was. Now, I didn’t let other people’s opinion of me affect how I saw myself, but I did let the situation of being fat do that… and that’s why I’m not fat anymore. I know why I was fat… because I was lazy and had poor self control. Those are negative personality traits. If I just thought “I’m me, I’m special, I’m ok just the way I am”, then I’d still be lazy, still have poor self control, and still be fat. Instead I saw those negatives for what they were and turned things around. Now, not only do have I reversed those personality traits, but I get to enjoy the byproduct of having a healthy body (and the byproduct of that- being at a healthy weight).
I will admit, being fat doesn’t necessarily mean someone is lazy or has poor self control. But in the overwhelming case, your body fat% is 100% controllable, so if it doesn’t mean that, what it does mean is that you don’t care and don’t feel like changing your weight. That’s fine, it’s nobody’s business but your own, but the word “Fat” still applies, and a lot of people will still see that as a negative that you just don’t care about your own health, even if it’s your decision and not theirs.
We absolutely do have an obesity epidemic in the U.S. though, just lik ekidhardt said though- and the more we teach kids this garbage about “everyone is a winner, everyone gets a trophy, you’re ok no matter what” just to avoid people feeling bad, we’re going to keep going in the same direction. There are just some times when you SHOULD feel bad…
I started out slender, began gaining weight when I was 21 and am now in the process (however slow) of trying to shed the excess fat. I’m doing my best to accomplish this in a way that preserves my health, so don’t worry, I’m not starving myself or anything. Anyway, so I have the perspective of having been a shape that society found acceptable, and then becoming invisible over the years. If I’m successful at getting back down into normal BMI range, I suspect I will then get to experience skinny people talking smack about fat people right in front of me, as though I have never been fat and never struggled with my weight.
I keep telling slender people not to get arrogant about how they are doing everything right, because it may not matter. All three times my set point reset itself at a higher rate, I had undergone hormonal changes. I know of lots of other women who have experienced that, usually with going on the Pill or becoming pregnant. And I’ve read lots of interesting arguments that obesity itself is a hormonal issue–yes, boys and girls, when a fat person says it’s their glands, THEY ARE NOT KIDDING. And glands can go wonky in *anybody*, especially as poorly nourished as 90 percent of us are these days!
So you really do never know who you’re talking to–or in front of. And you definitely show your true colors if you look at someone already marginalized by society and just give the downed another kick.
And… it’s extra fat. Extra energy storage. We’re not talking murderers or rapists or adulterers here. Those are treated like freakin’ *heroes* next to the obese. Says a lot about our culture, if you ask me.
“all three times my set point reset itself at a higher rate” = higher WEIGHT, my brain ran ahead of my fingers. Sorry. :P
I had, about a week ago, an intense conversation with my best friend about body image. In fact, it was a few hours before you published “Think twice before…”
This conversation started because she had twice complimented me about my weight loss (in less than 24 hours.) The first time, I did not comment, because many people were around, but she said it again when we were just the two of us, and when she told me ow happy she was for me, I just told her how I do not see myself, how I do NOT notice the weight difference and that my body image was not a positive nor a negative one, simply an instinctive one.
Let me explain, after years of being on the plus side, I met a man who made me (quite unconsciously, I am sure) get thinner and thinner, to the point where I am actually scared of how I looked when I see pictures. After this lowest point ever, I decided to stop worrying, and to go back to a way of eating and behaving that is very much like that of an infant: I am hungry, I eat, I am not hungry, I don’t eat. My only “body-meter” is how I feel. If I don’t feel comfortable in my body, I instinctively change the way I eat or exercise. My clothes come in all sizes, and I only choose them because they look good on me, I don’t even know my size nor how much I weigh.
My friend told me I was doing a body-denial. I disagree. I love my body, I know how to make it look sexy if I want to, but if I don’t want to there’s nothing that will force me. I have stopped listening about comments, stopped looking at myself in the mirror to see if my ass looks bigger than yesterday. I only look in the mirror to see if I like my clothes, if they are well arranged.
I understand that some people want to look thinner, or to feel lighter, I also understand people who can’t gain weight for some reason and are just desperate for one kilo more. I understand people who don’t feel at home in their body because it doesn’t have the shape they like (I am NOT talking of plastic surgery to the extreme, but mainly of doing the effort to go to the gym to look fitter, or something like this.) But this is not me.
This whole conversation made me realise that when I decided to “stop worrying about weight”, what I actually decided was to free myself from body-image control.
I really wish everyone would feel the same. So that when they go to the Gym, they do so because the ENJOY it, not because they need to punish themselves for having eaten chocolate cake at lunch…
I can’t tell you how much I relate to the mother and her two daughters. Growing up my mother constantly made comments about her own body and weight, following those comments up with, “I wish I was still as tiny as you are now. I used to be that small.” etc. Hearing her complain about her body so much, even though she would compare herself to me being small, was detrimental to my body image.
Now I am grown up and still what many people would consider a small size, but I have a horrible body image and constantly internalize negativity about my weight, size, etc. I have vowed to never make any negative comments about my body image or size in front of my future children and hope that is something I can be aware of and intentional about when that day comes. I’m sure my mother has no idea how much this has affected me my entire life. Thanks for this reminder and reality check.