It’s been nearly four months since I launched this website, which primarily features my point-of-view and my writing. It’s also been seven months since I began actively writing about women.
In my writing, I discuss issues that brilliant women writers and commentators have already written and talked about for many years—these women are much more talented than I am and they are the ones who actually face the issues that I address.
So, even though I am not always discussing anything new, my site has received hundreds of thousands of hits in the last four months, with little promotional effort on my part.
And while I know I worked hard to get here, hours and hours of endless writing and research, more all-nighters than I can count, there’s an overriding element that plays into my success: I am a man.
I am a man living in a culture that has more respect for a man’s voice. Somehow, when I, or other men, write about the issue of gender imbalance, the work gets more widespread attention and is more accepted by readers.
Even before I created and launched this website, I have been the beneficiary of the privilege and benefits that come with my gender, male privilege—since birth.
I didn’t go to college, but I managed to build a successful career in politics, a business with rampant and shocking sexism, even on the most progressive campaigns.
No doubt, I worked extremely hard—often logging 19-20 hour days and sleeping 2 or 3 hours a night—for a very long time. But that’s all I had to do: work hard. I didn’t have to come up against bias or judgments about my opinions; I didn’t have to deal with people ignoring me or taking me for granted. I just had to work hard. It’s a fairly simple formula, one that women don’t usually benefit from.
In the past few years, there’s been a boatload of books, shows, and commencement speeches encouraging women to “work hard and ask for what they want” at work. These comments are based on what is considered a confidence gap with respect to women in the workplace.
It’s a bunch of bullshit.
Yeah that’s right, ladies. That’s what’s been missing this whole time! You haven’t been working hard enough—you just have to ask for what you want and your bosses will hand it to you! It’s that easy!
Are they kidding? Sure, being more assertive can help women in certain circumstances, but the concept of “ask and ye shall receive” does not, to this day, exist for women in the same way as it does for men.
If all it takes is working hard and asking for what you want, there wouldn’t be the depressing statistics about women and success in corporate and political America. According to the 2010 Catalyst Census of Women Executive Officers, which counts the number of women in upper management in Fortune 500 companies, women hold only 19.1 percent of the executive offices in the finance and insurance industries. Out of all the Fortune 500 companies, only 13 of them have women CEOs. Out of 50 U.S. governors, only 6 are women. And the United States Congress counts less than twenty percent of its members as women.
This gender imbalance issue isn’t just related to women who are trying to climb to the top of the corporate ladder, women across all the job sectors are prevented from even having an opportunity simply because they are born women. According to the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), pregnancy discrimination complaints increased by 53 percent, from 1997 to 2010. If employers are discriminating against women who are pregnant and discriminating against women because of the possibility of pregnancy, how can women secure the right job so they can put themselves on the path to success?
The statistics are even starker on the international level, with women holding only 11.7 percent of the seats in the world’s parliaments. And to offer a statistic every woman, in every country, who reads this column can relate to: women comprise of 70 percent of the world’s poor.
These numbers clearly fail to match up to the wide and proficient skill sets wielded by women. And they also fail to match up to the hard work and commitment women put into their careers and work.
I don’t believe that women lack the mettle to succeed. What I am suggesting is that women are forced to meet a higher bar: they not only have to work harder than men, but they also have to push against our deeply ingrained patriarchy…while often carrying a much bigger burden at home than men.
While this issue is not new to anyone who reads feminist writing and anyone involved in academia, the concept of male privilege is still on the fringes in our gender discourse. In the mainstream, we wouldn’t dream of openly discussing and acknowledging male privilege.
Why?
We all live in a patriarchy. Any concept diminishing a man’s success is obviously going to be maligned and not discussed or acknowledged. But, I also think the problem lies in the reality that a lot of good men out there can’t imagine how they have greatly benefited from male privilege. They haven’t mistreated women in the work place, they’ve supported women in their professional and private lives, so why should they admit to something so terrible as their success being boosted dramatically by their gender?
Gender bias is not compartmentalized in our culture; the benefits of discriminating against women don’t just exist for the men who actively discriminate them. So, if we men don’t acknowledge that we all get an extra boost because of our sex—we are essentially saying that gender bias doesn’t exist.
And for those of us who are willing to acknowledge that gender discrimination even exists, we tend to see it as something suffered by women—that it is just an aggressive act against them. We think that we only have to combat the aggressor in order to solve the problem.
We must recognize that we are the beneficiaries of that discrimination. We need to see gender discrimination as a regressive act against women, and as a result, a progressive act for us.
So, no matter how good we are, no matter how much we respect women, the same biases the women in our lives struggle with and fight against, are the same biases fueling our success.
How can we fix this gender imbalance if we don’t first look around our own lives and see and acknowledge the reality: yes, I move faster in my career because I’m a man, I didn’t have to sacrifice nearly as much because I’m a man, it’s easier for me than for my woman counterparts (if you have any) and colleagues. Who did I pass on the way here? How can I stop this from happening in my own life? Have I done everything I can to speak out against gender bias in my workplace and life, especially with men?
But that’s hard—the male ego is so fragile, isn’t it? Women are much better at admitting to the conditions of their successes.
Before publishing my work, I usually ask a few friends to be sounding boards for my columns—they serve as a focus group of sorts. Most of my “focus group” opposed this idea of my writing about the nature of success for men and women.
“Have some confidence,” a friend of mine admonished me.
“Saying your success is based on the fact that you’re a man totally diminishes all you have put into your work,” said another.
I’m not saying we should be in the business of looking at every man and telling him, “You only have your success because you are a man.”
Nor am I suggesting that we men should feel guilty about the success we’ve attained, not at all. What I want to advocate is that we have a responsibility to look around and think about what got us to where we are.
What would it say about my confidence if my sense of self were based on ignoring the fact that I have been the beneficiary of male privilege?
I think it shows a shocking lack of confidence on my part if I weren’t able to say, “Yes, I had some help getting here, a lot of help, and I am here partially because women have not benefited from the same boost my gender allows for me. I am here because of what women have sacrificed for too long.”
I’m proud of my success, I worked for it, but not all of it. Many people, especially women, have helped me become successful in life. And I am not an isolated case. Women have been the bulwark and support system for men to become successful.
It’s only with the power of acknowledgement about the realities women face in our world that we can start to balance this inequity. But as long as we men pretend our successes are solely based on our hard work and talent and nothing else, we are contributing to the gender bias in which women get the short end of the stick.
So, I have no fear in acknowledging the three words my mother and father heard on Thanksgiving Day, in 1979, played a really big part in my success and instantly put me in a position to succeed: “It’s a boy.”
And that’s why I keep writing what I write. Because it just doesn’t make sense that it should be this way.
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I’m fortunate enough never to have encountered any specific barriers, and have had some great female bosses who went before me in my profession (law) and had to endure being asked in board meetings why they were there instead of with their children… and I’d assumed that all that had passed but was shocked to find out that just last year a 32 year old chemical engineer about to give a presentation to a roomful of men was told that before she started they’d assumed she was the cleaner! They’d expected her to take out the bins!
As I enquired further about her life it transpires that she joined the company on the same graduate scheme as a guy who is now her boyfriend. They qualified the same year with identical grades and initially started on the same salary. 5 years later he is earning £10,000 per year more than her. Now that they live together she does not want to jeopardise their joint income by complaining about it in case they just reduce his (even though they split the bills 50/50). Enough said.
How refreshingly honest and insightful….I love your work. We undoubtedly do live in a patriachal society exactly as you describe and, as a woman who wishes to be independant and career minded it is incredibly frustrating and unjus.
However, as a women, I would add that there are many women who continue to perceive men as ‘meal tickets’. I witness constantly (friends and colleagues) women I know who make their lifes work attempting to “snare” a guy whose clearly financially solvent rather than seeking out their own career and financial independance. If I’ve ever questioned them about the morality of this sort of behaviour it falls on deaf ears. Women of this sort do nothing for feminism, equality or the morality of the modern world. They certainly do nothing but hinder those of us who wish for true equality in relationships and careers.
I don’t disagree that many women still face gender discrimination in the workplace. However, I think there’s a huge tendency for women to automatically view their options from a victim standpoint when they aren’t doing everything in their power to overcome their situation. If you want to be viewed as an equal in the workplace, you have to work just as hard as your male co-workers. NO exceptions.
I am a women who works in an industry that is overwhelmingly dominated by males, and I am the only female employed at my company. I can honestly say that I’ve never been disrespected by my co-workers and I owe this to the fact that I’ve developed an indispensable skill-set.
I do encounter clients who would judge me at first glance and make me feel objectified. I’m sure many women do. If you can stuff the urge to take it personally and realize where their bias is coming from (and know that its been centuries in the making), you have a wonderful chance to prove what women are capable of.
Someone made a point that women and men have different competitive energies. I agree with that, though I wouldn’t say that women are less competitive, generally speaking. They do feel other pressures and have different ways of handling stress. This is a wonderful article that touches on these subjects:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/larissafaw/2011/11/11/why-millennial-women-are-burning-out-at-work-by-30/
I was really excited to find this site(via: “you are not crazy”) as I feel the subtle layer in which these issues circulate, for the most part invisibly, is where our culture needs to focus if we are ever going to create any transformation in the patterns and institutions that are a reflection of that culture.
Another reason for my excitement was that I too am focused, not specifically on women, but on the metaphysical structures of our culture’s cosmology and how our assumptions about reality, including assumptions about gender keep us in cycles of conflict and unable to communicate or find common ground.
In the spirit of this effort of liberation, of cultural evolution, I thought to ask whether you Yashar, or any of your readers have reflected on whether the cause of your privilege is Not because you “are a man” but rather because you are perceived to be a man?
Simply saying there is male privilege doesn’t address the normative conceptions of “Man”, with all its supposed attributes(not talking about anatomy here), which, perhaps in being picked apart, may breakdown the rationale that motivates men(who currently dominate) to privilege other men. Thats why I would ask if whether its not because so and so is male, but rather because of the idea of so and so, that gets attached to them because they have a beard and a penis, that should be the focal point in our attempts to scour the roots of these problems. If this seems a bit abstruse or redundant I would be happy to elaborate, although I’m curious to if anyone catches my drift from this point.
As someone who writes in a very similar vein, though as yet, with minimal success at getting through to people, I’m interested to finally find a blog that so clearly communicates about these subtle dynamics and I look forward to working with people likewise interested in developing and expanding ways of communicating about them.
cheers
[my contact is in my profile]
Is this whole site about man-hating?
Hey Yashar,
Why don’t you write about what it’s like to be a guy, since you are one. Because I’m willing to bet in your padded, privileged lifestyle, that you are completely out of touch on what being a guy is like. Because you are male, does not qualify that you can acknowledge, or even understand, the inherent characteristics of what being a guy is all about.
In this post, you said
“We all live in a patriarchy.”
That’s right. That’s the bottom line. Women live in a country dominated, and controlled by men. Using that paradigm, objectively, how would you suggest improving things for the minority participants?
Basically it’s giant group of lions who have established their own hierarchy, and we have another species, who are forced to live within the boundaries of an environment which is not to their choosing.
So this group of care-bears try to wrestle control of the lion pride—via care-bear style. Not going to happen.
The best that can be done, is continue to struggle. That’s it–temper the environment, but ultimately recognize that it’s futile to expect any radical change.
Men have ruled, and will continue to rule, everything. While radical change can’t be expected, what can be worked on is the slow erosion of total dominance–which I support.
Continue chipping away at the glacier! I’ll even help.
-e
Sooo… it is a mans world, and we women must acept that? But in you opinion, why should women exist? I can see it from your point of wiew, that you need women. But why should we bother? Why should we strugle to be of use to the men, in the mens world?
how did this come across as man-hating?
I completely agree with you. I have seen examples of a woman’s voice not being heard over and over again in my professional life. I want to say first that I work with a group of nice men, men who try to be sensitive and open. However, it is clear in small ways that a woman’s voice is just not heard as a man’s is. The other day in a meeting with 3 women and 7 men, one of my female colleagues made a suggestion. Everyone was talking at once, but she spoke loudly and confidently. Nobody responded. A few minutes later, one of my male colleagues said the exact same thing to resounding agreement. The woman said, “Hey, didn’t I just say that?” And I said, “Yes, you did.” This kind of thing happens all the time. Until everyone recognizes the habit of listening to the male voice more closely, women will not have an equal and fair chance to have their opinions heard. This isn’t easy, but it’s essential, and I think the first step is in acknowledging that there is gender bias. Thank you for voicing this truth.
What realy make me angry, si when I make a sugestion and noone listen, and then some man say the same thing, and suddenly it is a very good idea. And then that man come after the meeting and think I should be grateful that he made my sugestion heard! Yes, of course I am happy that we move foreward, I am happy that things is done the way I wanted. But it would be nice to sometimes also get the credit for my ideas, and not see others be praised at dinners for finding the best solutions. I know this is very selfish, but it is how men get noticed and get better jobs…
It’s true, from me at least, I’m ashamed (and confused) to say. Yashar, you are an excellent and insightful writer who obviously has and continues to work hard for your success, and you deserve that success for those qualities. Yet a woman with similar qualities who deserves that success just as much would most likely have to work even harder in order to attain it. At least when writing about feminist issues and at least with me (and I’m a woman).
Your work does hit home to me more and makes me recognize my own biases more because you are a man. It shames me to admit that if a woman had written this article instead, I would have felt more like she (and I) were commiserating, and therefore it wouldn’t have hit me as hard.
I firmly believe that men and women are equals, even if we’re not always treated as such. But until I started reading your work, I also thought that I treated, respected, and listened to both sexes equally. But you’ve made me realize that I don’t. And as painful as that is for me to acknowledge, it’s even more confusing:
- How can I have and act on biases that I’m not even aware of?
- How can I firmly, truly, and deeply believe in gender equality and yet not have that show through 100% in how I see and treat men and women?
- And how can I possibly combat things in myself if I don’t even know they’re there unless someone else points out each occurrence?
I’m truly struggling with these questions. I would love to hear any solutions or insights you might have. Thank you.
I’ve just discovered this site in the past week or so, with the gaslighting columns, but I love it so much! It’s so nice to read about feminism from a feminist man’s perspective. And it’s nice to see how many others are reading it as well. I really appreciate this site. It inspires me as a woman, as a writer and as a feminist.
Yashar you are truly an inspiration- an advocate and guardian of those who are marginalized. You have been your entire life and your love of women is evident. From the time I heard Hillary Clinton call you her “star” to the gender biases you have made me realize with your thoughtful blogs. I am proud to know you and proud to be a woman.
Yashar, Your compassionate and empathetic words brought tears to my eyes. I have witnessed firsthand the gender bias about which you refer – first in corporate America, then in the public ministry work to which I have been called. Women do get the short end of the stick…and not because we lack confidence or the ability to ask for what we want. I also want to make note that it not just women who get this short stick, but men of non-heterosexual gender, or men who display so-called “feminine qualities” like empathy, sensitivity, compassion and are in touch with their “feminine” emotions like sorrow, loss, etc. Yes, this is the sad result of existing within a patriarchal culture…..or as Riane Eisler might call it…the dominator model. My hope and prayer is that we are at the cusp of a magnificent change and that you, along with others like you who have the courage to speak up, to point out the truth and lead the way, can help us all to birth something more compassionate, loving, balanced and harmonious into our world.
Lauri Lumby
Authentic Freedom Ministries
http://yourspiritualtruth.com
Definitely something to be aware of.
However, I am surprised and disappointed that Yashar did not talk about the different energies of man and woman. Female cooperative energy is easily overpowered by male competitive energy. Women and men should have equal opportunity but this must come from an understanding and leveraging of each of the sex’s strong points. Simply saying that men and woman are equal despite their dramatic intrinsic differences will not achieve anything. Equality must come from appreciation.
I am disappointed to read the comments where a woman told the story of her female friend not being heard out in a business meeting only to have her statement repeated later. It is certainly an issue that we must become more aware of and these sort of discussions are helpful in doing so.
I had never thought about the reciprocal nature of the gender bias, that it not only gives women less opportunity but gives men more opportunity. Being aware of who has helped you is a problem of society in general, and something that a lot of men have problems with.
Thanks for the insight.